The 4th of July is supposed to be a joyful occasion with people shooting off fireworks and having family barbecues just to remember those who have fallen for our country and those who ultimately gave us this freedom. The freedom to do just those things. But there are some of us that do not like the holiday.
Now before I get backlash, hear me out. Listen.
I am not by any means unappreciative of the freedoms I have been given or the freedoms others have lost for this country. I am proud to be an american and honestly I would not have it any other way. But for the last 11 years I have had to deal with holidays and birthdays in a different way. I’ve had to learn how to live with them. Sometimes there are no words for the things that happen in someone’s life, but there are actions. These actions can either be those of the person, or someone else.
In my case I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to right the wrongs of other people. I can’t fix everything and even though I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to overcome these things and focusing more on myself than I ever have, I still can’t handle days like today. I still think of the little girl hiding in the closet while everyone set off fireworks because I couldn’t bare to look at the faces of the people I loved while I hurt so badly. Or the teenager who sat on her bed and cried for hours because I knew what was about to come. I guess not so much what, but who.
You have to understand that while I’m still living, breathing, it hurts and overtime it may dull but it never goes away. This has taken over my life for so long, and I’ve let it control everything, I don’t have freedom. Not from myself anyways. I’ve been defined by labels my entire life, but this was one label I didn’t want anyone to put on me. I didn’t, and still don’t want to be the victim in someone else’s sick fucking game.
Victim. That word does not pertain to me. It never has. I’ve spent so many years telling myself that I played such a big role in the things that happened, that I believe it, even now.
I don’t deserve to get better.